WMDs found
Rogue stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons were uncovered in three mass graves around Detroit. Proliferation of supplements

Shameless Britain
The UK is finally American enough to embrace failure and declare itself bankrupt, a public inquiry heard. Britishness supplement

Healthy pessimism
Optimism shortens life expectancy and “could be contagious”, the Office for Notional Statistics warned idealists. Damned lies supplement

Off-peak oil
The world oil barrel might still be half full, BP reported, as its first temperate Arctic fields came onstream. Crude supplement

Drugs overdose
India is flooding the world with generic drugs, undermining research and development and curing disease, a trio of Western scientists warned. Chemical supplement

Alo Presidente!
Free Cuba’s new president, Junior Chavez, said the Havana Olympics would showcase socialism “from the grave”. Bolivarian supplement

Tibet freed at last
China liberated Tibet from its abundance of lithium, reincarnating hopes for cheaper car batteries. Spiritual supplement

Cash smash shocker
A BBC business guru said his year living without money had taught him the value of humility. Pantomime supplement

Admen expire
Another marketing executive killed himself, leaving a chain letter to clients which said that suicide was “the only way to save our fucked souls”. Euthanasia supplement

Cultist jailed
The author of “Be Free and Have It All” was imprisoned for life for running a white-collar cult. Living Our Values supplement

Debtor pacified
Bailiffs beat a Barnsley man to death over 450 pounds he owed to bailed-out billionaires. Targeted killing supplement

Policy evolves
The War Secretary said that Britain’s international reversals weren’t defeats, or even u-turns, because it was “sweet and right to evolve for one’s country.” Afterlife supplement

PM refutes critics
Addressing Parliament’s Ethics Committee, the UK’s First Lord of the Treasury made a mockery of mockers with barnstorming barrages of bullshit. Supplementary special supplement