Capture and storage plan boosts business
The government has announced new plans to combat destructive interference in British business.
The scheme, called “capture and storage”, aims to curb the number of “free radicals” in the atmosphere.
These charged particles are a natural byproduct of hot air production, but their concentration has reached dangerous levels. Left unchecked, they could destabilise Western society.
Malcolm Wickerman said his Department of Energy Capture and Co-option (DECC) was on the case.
“We’re developing technologies to harness political energy from all its sources,” he told a business forum. “People have to think we’re listening so they’re less likely to kick up a real fuss.”
The policy has worked for hundreds of years, he said, so it was reasonable to assume continued success. “The real danger would be a coalition of free radicals that didn’t just have one meeting or demonstration, but kept learning from its mistakes.”
Such “sustained direct action, and exposure of our broken and inadequate promises, could create a very unstable climate,” he warned. “But there’s little chance of that, never mind an end to our technocratic love-in with technology.”
The Intelligence Network for Field Operative Infiltration and Liaison (TINFOIL) says most groups “lack capacity or motivation to reflect on their failure to attract and keep members, never mind do something genuinely disruptive.”
However, Mr Wickerman isn’t taking chances.
“First we need to capture activists’ attentions,” he said. “Then we have to pump them into storage units, where they can burble away harmlessly for decades. Of course, there is a risk of some leakage, but it won’t be enough to contaminate business as usual.”
