Dear Floozy,

Help! I’m suffering from performance anxiety. Like my models, I used to please all comers, however demanding. If they wanted more, I’d just keep rising. All it took was a tweak of the digits. Now we’ve all gone wobbly and I don’t know what to tell people. My partners say don’t worry; they’ll get things reflated soon. Yet it feels like I’m being palmed off. My quants are freshly pumped, but the punters have stopped drooling. I’m reduced to begging mandarins for relief. Is it because I’m a banker?

Z, male, 34



Floozy’s answer

What’s so bad about not getting what you want, Z? Most of the world seems to survive, after a fashion.

It sounds like you’ve lost your sense of worth, which is hardly surprising if you measure it in bonus cheques. But the trouble starts with believing your own hype.

Your analysis isn’t just flawed; it’s the source of your woes. Is the doubter not the same as the doubt? Think about it, seriously. Then forget about images and charts, and all the other symbols and words you use to separate from life.

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, why not meditate? Penetrate reality beyond illusions. Your lust for buying and selling just fuels conflict, especially the one behind your eyes. What makes you think exchanges trade joy?

Men used to sell themselves as aggressive. Then came metrosexual Gillette jawlines. We’re all adverts now, which means we learn what people want, then flog them fakes. And therein lies the rub and tug: you long to master commodities, but you’ve become one.

Since you’re always hunting for bargains, your assets are almost certainly overvalued. You’re worried about how to be wanted, rather than sharing. Try giving things away, without asking what you’re getting. If your partners are worth what they think, they’ll understand.

If they don’t, you could always give up the Game and join a monastery. Now you’ve started scrounging handouts, you’re halfway there.


YOUR ADVICE

Fuck you
As always, I blame Descartes. He made this quantitative stuff popular. When we start trying to justify things with numbers, it always comes back to more, and we all feel inadequate. Why not just be good to people, starting with you?
Risk analyst, female, 43

Fuck that
Get over yourself, dude. All guys get stuck with creative angst. If you can’t afford to get inseminated, why not find a few less material outlets for your urges?
Trader, male, 29

Fuck it
Life is an illusion; choose a nice one.
Hippie, male, 62


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I hate myself and want to die. My co-workers act all happy, but they aren’t. I hate them too and want to kill them. But I need help. I can’t make it on my own. How do I off my boss without getting fired?

Male, 27, in human resources