From Mr Haverstock Fullerton

Sir, I am 68 and have a lifetime’s experience of the media. The job of a journalist is to sell copy, not to determine truth, or present reality.

I no longer take the Financial Times, on which I was nurtured. For the last 11 years I have bought only the Saturday issue, which, like most of the Press, has become trivial. So it pains me to do you the courtesy of writing.

However, after decades in Her Majesty’s service, I simply cannot let your slurs on our allies pass. Having brokered the Special Relationship’s dissolution, it behoves me to remind you of its terms.

The Prime Minister never resiled from Honorific Shoulder Rubbing. And neither I nor the Foreign Secretary exonerated our envoys from residence “up the arse of the White House”; even once this became physically impossible.

Our former American partners deserve our sympathy, and their leaders our humblest sycophancy, not the flaccid post-prandial bottom beating you call comment. Which school did you go to?

Haverstock Fullerton
Political Director, Foreign and Commonwealth Office (2008-2012)
Reticent Tumbleweed, Wilts, UK

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From Mr Elphinstone Gulbusset

Sir, As you are no doubt aware, the second week in November this year marks the 500th anniversary of the Stockholm Bloodbath. Since this event is as eloquent a condemnation of the Scandinavian social model as anyone could wish, commemoration in the Press is doubtless too much to hope for.

Elphinstone Gulbusset, Esq.
Kensington, UK

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From Mr Wellington Broadside

Sir, Whatever the Zeitgeist’s illusions, you can’t escape History. Everything we call civilised comes from conflict. Education, healthcare and transport; all of these just promote combat readiness.

War is one only of five giants on the road of reconstruction, but it props up what you seem to want from Bigger Government.

It’s the engine of organisation, the guarantor of new business and the Enlightenment’s categorical imperative.

Let’s roll. Anything less would bomb us back to the Stone Age, faster than your Ecofascist sympathisers.

Yours in abhorrence,

Wellington Broadside (Col., ret.)
Nelson-under-Water, Kent, UK